Yesterday was better than most of the week. I went to therapy and we talked about needs. I mentioned what happened this past week and we scheduled an appointment to take a look at and change my medication. What I’m taking (Wellbutrin) just isn’t cutting it anymore.

Now I’m researching dysthymia (what I have been diagnosed with) on Wikipedia (you can look it up— I’m not explaining it here) and it’s saying therapy and medications tend to be the best way to treat it (which I’m still doing). Of the medications out there, it lists Fluoxetine (Prozac), Paroxetine (Paxil), Sertraline (Zoloft), and Fluvoxamine (Luvox?) as the most commonly prescribed.

The first three I’ve taken at some point in my lifetime and have no intention of reusing (Paxil I took as a child and it caused some of the major weight gain issues that in turn caused a lot of shit for me growing up, Prozac didn’t do shit as far as I can remember, and I stopped taking Zoloft because of the sexual and physical side effects). Luvox appears to cause weight gain/loss problems, so I definitely don’t want to take that (I’m trying to either *healthily* gain weight or maintain what I have right now). 

It also says MAOIs could be a possible treatment idea, but it sounds WAYYYY too risky and dangerous (not to mention I wouldn’t be able to eat cheese or drink alcohol anymore. And being an alcoholic is a job requirement for my field.), so I don’t think I’ll be trying them.

I guess all I can do is try an SSRI that isn’t one of the abovementioned OR see if I can safely increase my dosage of Wellbutrin…. -_-

In other news, I have to spend the weekend doing homework and I don’t wanna!!!! 

But those ten pages of screenplay aren’t gonna write themselves, I suppose. Even though I really don’t know what to write about. Still. (The things I kinda do wanna write about require much more topic research that I don’t have time for)

Just 13 more days. Just 13 more days.

I think for now, I’m gonna go to the SURC or something and do my homework there. Or at least buy a bunch of snacks/lunch. I’m kinda hungry.

I am the Bat Fan, and I can’t stop eating. :p

Since I feel like people deserve to know, I am doing okay. Since yesterday, I have legitimately been feeling better about everything. I am not depressed right now. A bit angry, maybe, but not depressed. I want to thank everyone on here who has reached out to me (for privacy I won’t mention any names but you all know who you are) these past few days; it has really meant a lot to me, even if my face hasn’t said so.

With me, it’s difficult because I never really know when it’s gonna hit, and it doesn’t hit very often. But when it does, it’s bad. But like I said before, it doesn’t usually last for very long. I tend to feel better when I wake up the next day, but this time it was like the few other times in the past where that wasn’t the case. 

The only real problems I’ve been having these past couple days have been allergy issues and some friend drama that I’m not going to deal with right now. Both have been equally taxing today but I’m not letting them bring me down. I can’t afford to let either win. Not when things are finally starting to look up for me.

I’ll talk to my RA friends when they get back from out of town and see about having them work their magic to get me in to some counseling. 

But I’m not doing it because other people have suggested it. I’m doing it because I legitimately want to talk to someone professional (who isn’t a friend of mine) about my problems and figure out what to do about them. 

You know, I have always thought that Marilyn Monroe quote was a bit overused and annoying, but I’ve always really liked it and I feel like it’s really relevant to how I feel right now.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

But I think I’d like to add on to it a bit.

I know I make mistakes, but I don’t think that I’ve made so many that I’ve become a completely despicable human being as a result. So I’d appreciate it if the people in my life who spend their time making me out to be the bad guy all the time would stop, because after dealing with it for 21 years, I’ve had enough. 

I won’t lie— sometimes I will inevitably end up being the bad guy. It happens. That’s part of life. We all do bad things. But I’m not the only one.

I’m not the only bad person here.

We all are. 

This is not open for discussion. I don’t want anyone who reads this to respond to this post or to message me about it or anything like that. If you have a problem with what I’ve said, I don’t fucking care and I don’t want to hear it. You can go waste your time policing somebody else’s blog over shit that upsets you. 

As for me, I’m gonna go to work now and continue to let today be good. I won’t let anything or anyone else bring me down. Not today.

What a day.

Woke up at 9:45, 15 mins before my last therapy appointment of the quarter. It was alright. We made some progress, I believe. I will be having fewer meetings over the course of next quarter, as I will be trying out this new group they’re doing. Like a kind of group therapy aimed at LGBTQ men (there will be some hetero people there, but it’s mainly catered to non-hetero students who identify as male). I’m interested to see how that’ll go.

After my appt, I went to work out for a while. The goal today was to bring my phone with me and time it so that I knew exactly how long it took me to run that mile.

My time was 3 minutes, 54.5 seconds. Naturally, I immediately posted this to my facebook profile, where my friends proceeded to gawk at my achievement.

And then one of my friends commented on how a mile is actually 8 laps around our school’s indoor track. That’s right. EIGHT.

This entire time, I’d only been running FOUR, thinking that was a mile. 

Turns out an indoor track is only 1/8 or so of a mile, whereas the outdoor tracks at my old school (the only tracks we have there) were all 1/4 of a mile. So the entire time, I’d been thinking they were all the same. Oops.

Anyway, as soon as I found out, I mentioned it to a couple friends, who were all very supportive. I was initially becoming very depressed very quickly, because I felt so ridiculous and humiliated at having been so publicly foolish and wrong. But my friends thankfully reminded me that what I made was just an honest mistake and that it was still something to be proud of.

And they were right: being able to run four laps around an indoor track without stopping in just 3 minutes and 54.5 seconds IS something to be proud of. Especially since I have never been able to do something like that before. 

I just had to think of it from another perspective. And now I feel a lot better about it all, even if a few people kinda did what I perceived to be kicking me when I was down, so to speak. 

Turns out the fastest mile ever run was 3 mins 48 seconds or so. 

My new goal is to be able to run an entire mile without having to stop. And then I will try to do so as fast as possible. Theoretically, my mile would be about 8 mins, but I’m not sure if I’m at the point where I could run 8 full laps at once. This definitely gives me a new goal to aim for. 

Either way, I’m incredibly glad that I have such good friends in my life, and that they and my family are so supportive of me. I know a lot of people in this world cannot say the same, so I know I should count myself as lucky in that respect. 

Anywho, after that, I packed up, got some food to go, and my roommate and I left town for home. He lives about half an hour away from my mom’s house, so it just made sense to give him a ride. We left around maybe 2:45pm and I got to his house at about 7pm (it’s a really long drive). I then got home at about 7 pm, and here I am.

Everything I brought is now unpacked and I’m ready to settle in. I’m excited for this spring break to happen. I just hope that it stops raining here. I’d like a little sunshine while I’m here, but if that doesn’t happen, I don’t think I’ll mind. I have a lot to keep me occupied here. Editing, a new video game, hanging with friends, and hopefully chances to go clubbing (which I’m most excited for) are all in store. It’s gonna be good.

I’m also thinking of gauging my ears a bit (been toying with the idea for a while) and possibly dying my hair. I’ve never done anything like that before, and I’m thinking I’d go red. Like, blood red. I’m not sure though haha. One of my friends wants me to dye it blue. I’m not sure if I could pull that off. Or red, for that matter. I guess we’ll see.

Either way, today has been pretty good. Even if I did spend a majority of it in a car with cramps in my lower back, butt, and legs. :)