And now my stepmother is calling me. 

What the fuck?

I missed her call, but my phone hasn’t been able to record messages lately (for some reason I don’t understand). I feel like it’s probably to do with this recent situation (a bit late, though), and I don’t have the spoons to deal with it. I didn’t really realize that until I noticed she’d called, though.

But assuming she did indeed call to talk about that, what’s she going to say? I feel like she might try to defend my father or brother for their actions. I dunno. With her, I feel like it could go either way. But I don’t want it to go the “wrong” way.

And then assuming she does try to make me out to be the bad guy who needs to apologize, WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SEEMINGLY RUNNING TO MY BROTHER’S AID WHEN HE’S THE ONE WHO VICTIMIZED ME? 

My friends and one of my cousins offered support to me. None of my other family members so far have gone and said, “Yes, he was in the wrong. I’m sorry he did that to you.” 

It’s always, “you shouldn’t have done that,” or, “Yeah, he shouldn’t have done what he did, but you’re in the wrong too for bringing it out in the open on Facebook,” as though that’s an even worse offense. 

NEVER MIND THE FACT THAT MY BROTHER IS A FUCKING DICKHEAD AND NOBODY ELSE KNOWS IT EXCEPT MY MOTHER AND I. 

None of my family members know what my brother has done with other people, to other people, to himself. But I know, and my mom knows. She eventually had to stop keeping some of the things he’d done a secret and told my stepfather because she felt she had no other choice (I blame her upbringing for that one; back then, everyone tried to keep “taboo” things quiet and she still functions that way to an extent). My father knows and doesn’t care simply because he is still bitter over what happened between all of us and never learned to let go of anything (I think since he and my brother are more alike, they probably identify with each other’s experiences more and are closer, too). He keeps shit a secret from people, too. My sister told my brother, who then told me, a long time ago that he and my stepmother almost got divorced once because of something that my sister didn’t really even understand. I don’t know what happened other than my father almost got divorced for a third time (my mom was apparently his second wife; he refuses to talk about the first one. He refuses to talk about most of his past, now that I think about it.).

My mom is probably doing the smart thing by not getting involved. 

Either way, I’m done talking about this fight. I’m not going to do anything more about it. Unless my stepmother is calling to try and smooth things over, I’m not going to listen to her.

I mean, in the end, I know I’ll have to listen, because if I don’t, I’ll just start worrying about all the possibilities and create scenarios in my head that are worse than what the reality is. But whatever.

Once my directing project is done exporting, I’m gonna get some lunch and figure out what to do next. I’ll post again soon.