The Perks of Being a Wallflower trailer (tumblr embedded.)
I NEED IT.
Is it weird this made me cry? No? Ok.
This trailer just confirmed every doubt I had in my mind about this movie. Now I know I’m going to hate it when it comes out.
And I know I’m going to see it anyway in the hopes that I’m wrong.
Another cropped photo of me in my second outfit (this photo was taken by a professional company, I think). I didn’t like this one as much as the first, but I had to spend most of my time in this one. The tank is an XL, and I’m a Medium… :p
me in one of my outfits for the show. with the fucking awesome $30 shoes that i wanted to take home with me. ignore the lackluster photo quality (i cropped the other people out).
The second show went much better. I was in a better frame of mind by then, too.
Even though I still did that thing where, when I got up on the runway, I stopped breathing, I nailed my walk and looked fabulous doing it.
I got a bunch of photos taken of me, and as soon as I learn how to censor out people’s faces, I’ll put them up on here I guess. :p
After I wrote out my feels in part 1, I felt a lot better, so by the time the whole thing ended, I was feeling back to normal.
I’m really glad I got to have that experience. I wanna do it again next year. :)
I can’t wait for those other students in my dept. who filmed the show to finish making the DVD so I can watch it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT’S MY FIRST ANONYMOUS MESSAGE!!! DOES THIS MEAN I’M TUMBLR-FAMOUS YET?! :D
But seriously, thank you for the kind words of support— I do appreciate them. :)
One of the best aspects of this whole modeling thing was that the only person body shaming me was myself. Nobody else did it, so it really was all in my head, I guess. In the end, I really enjoyed myself and really want to do it again next year. I also really want that first outfit they put me in (those shoes were awesome). :p
I can’t live-blog this event because they make us turn off our phones, but here’s the first part.
I got ready and made it there at noon, we did one more practice run before the show (our rehearsal last night had us here from 7 to 11:30 pm, 90 minutes longer than expected), and then the actual thing started up.
I got out there on the runway and panicked. My insides seized up and I could only think about my routine and throwing up. I didn’t throw up.
My second walk I fucked up. I think I may have saved it but I’m not sure.
This dressing and undressing thing has put me in a bad state of mind. I feel like the most un-model-like person here. All the other male models are either big and muscular or skinny and cut, and I’m like this freakish anomaly somewhere in between.
6 packs everywhere but on me. It makes me feel out of place. Like a freak.
My mind saw an opportunity and took it, launching a full-out assault on my psyche. It’s so stupid. But it still works. My mind knows how to destroy me.
I can’t take all this conventional beauty. It’s so weird when the people I see in photographs are right there in front of me, in real life, and they look like everything that I thought was never actually real. And then when they start talking to me? I don’t know what to say.
My face broke out again this morning. There’s a huge red zit above my lip and another on my nose that catches the light and shines like a floodlight. It’s so gross and I don’t have anything with me to cover it up. I look exactly how I feel now. My left side is the bad one.
What am I doing here?
I don’t understand how or why I’m like this. I can be confident and feel good in my own body when I’m by myself or with friends, and then when I’m around these people, even now, I just can’t shake this sense of total inadequacy. I still feel like I did all those years ago, when I looked at my family photos and thought to myself, “one of these things is not like the other.”
“one of these things does not belong.”
So I sit outside the theatre by myself and write because I don’t know what else to do. Putting up all those walls like I used to do.
It would be warm outside if it wasn’t for this freezing wind. But now that I’m out here, I don’t want to go back inside.
The annoying thing about life is that there are these constant instances in which I need to put on a happy face and be confident and smile but I just fucking can’t do it. I try and I fail. Every time. I’m not strong enough to do this.
I don’t think I’m strong enough to do anything right now.
But I have to be, because I can’t leave.
So I’ll keep trying, and hope that I don’t fail again.
Wish me luck?
That awkward moment when you want to party with your friends but realize parties are a huge trigger for you.
All of this commentary. All of it. Fuck this idiocy. People who should come out of the closet: no one, unless it is safe and healthy for them to do so.Seriously? “If you’re hiding anything, no matter how good your reason is, then you’re ashamed of it”? No. NO. FUCK NO.
COMING OUT COMPROMISES YOUR SAFETY. COMING OUT CAN GET YOU TRAUMATIZED, SENT TO THERAPY, BEATEN, RAPED, TORTURED, DISOWNED, AND MURDERED. YOU CAN LOSE YOUR JOB. YOU CAN LOSE YOUR FAMILY. YOU CAN LOSE EVERYTHING. COMING OUT IS NOT A REQUIREMENT.
“Ashamed”? No. Fuck. No. This attitude is what’s shaming. This attitude comes from a position of safety and privilege and it completely ignores the reality that many people, in many countries, put their fucking lives in danger by talking about who they are—no matter how proud they are to be that way. Being comfortable with your own sexuality or gender identity does not keep you from getting killed. It does not keep you from being hated. And being afraid or unwilling to ruin your life on other people’s violent prejudice does not make you weak—it means there’s a big problem with a system that it’s not your responsibility to fix by putting yourself in the line of fire. In fact, it means you’re maybe not the one in a position to fix it, because you’re too busy surviving. And survival is noble enough, if that’s what you’re facing. If you choose that your responsibility is privacy and safety, that’s legitimate, it’s respectable, and it’s NOT ANYONE ELSE’S FUCKING BUSINESS.
“Because they couldn’t understand it gets better”? I can’t believe you just made a statement that more or less reads, “I had to show these poor children the light! Cannot believe they thought their current situation actually matters in the long run! Not like it doesn’t get better! I will enlighten you.”
She seriously just SHAMED CHILDREN FOR BEING AFRAID? For the record: it doesn’t always get better. It also doesn’t always matter if it could get better. If you are being tortured by your classmates at the age of fourteen, some benevolent promise by people who aren’t in that situation anymore who are so tired of your pain isn’t going to just flip a switch and make you go “Oh, okay! I guess I’ll just endure my daily suffering at the hands of tiny bigots and think about the future!” What a fucking ridiculous thing to say. What a flippant, unempathetic, egotistical thing to say.
If you give that much a shit about queers, maybe pay attention enough to know that the problem isn’t with their perceptions.
^^ I agree with all of the above. This woman (Amber Heard?) and what she is saying is a perfect manifestation of all the things I don’t like about the “It Gets Better” campaign.
Yeah, sure, we don’t exactly have a lot of role models telling us that even though life sucks right now, life will get better for us. Although if this campaign is any indication, gay white men have more role models than any other queer person out there (I can’t be the only one to notice that there are more white people than people of color telling us it gets better), and half of those “role models” are just straight people telling us not to kill ourselves because they somehow know what it’s like for us and that our lives will get better, when in reality it’s just them saying, “Please don’t kill yourself because then I will feel bad for having done nothing to help you.”
I totally understand that these people are just trying to be supportive allies, but sometimes they just don’t know how to do it right. This shit right here is slacktivism at work; She is getting media attention for trying to be a good person and they make it all about her because what she says makes everyone feel better. They all will say, ’ good for her, she’s helping out all those poor queer kids,’ and all the straights will feel okay again because she’s doing good, when in reality she’s shaming us and making it all about how much better of a person she is than every other famous white girl.
Somehow, this doesn’t really surprise me. I feel like it’s dependent on the situation.